A Letter to Someone I Cannot Have Forever

Dearest Someone I Cannot Have Forever,

   I am writing this letter not because I want you to know everything you might not know. But I’m writing this for my unborn children.

   Our first met was never been special. There were no butterflies, no bell ringing and no heart icons that goes back-and-forth in my eyes. I can’t also remember having my heart sounds like “lub-dub-lub-dub” maybe because I am not a “Love-at-first-sight” believer. It was truly an ordinary boy-meet-girl setting.

   After five days, it was the last day of training that we have had our first talk. I was asking you about your relationship with the family I have known who happen to have the same last name as yours. You asked for my number but I refused to give and instead I asked yours. Asking me why, I simply said “I don’t like new numbers appearing in my inbox and I don’t like texting with strangers”.

   So I let you write your number and email address in my notebook (which I’m still keeping today) and after that I quoted “pangita pud nimu ug handwriting uy” (your handwriting is too bad). Everyone laughed at my remarks and until then you are always conscious about your penmanship. I have seen how uneasy you are when writing especially if I’m watching.

   I’m too oblivious at that moment of my life, not minding other people. I’m too busy controlling things that I don’t want to happen and “falling-in-love” is one of them. I’m keeping those that always make me a better person and those that help me grow. Making a balance of everything at all time.

   Months had passed and there you are, standing in front of me. I had been debating to say “hi” or not mind because at that moment while I’m sitting in the couch I realize that I’m liking you. There’s something in you that draws me, something that wants me to dig and know you better.

   And I say my first “hi” and you replied with meek smile. That was really stroppy moment. But you have caught my attention. You’re so lucky, aren’t you?

   After that, you became my regular chatter. Your name had never missed my inbox until then. From “Good morning” till “Good night”. Maybe you don’t know this, you are the first man I have spent my time just texting, I went out with and the first man I brought to my family. Happiness fills my life when I’m with you. It was magic, indeed!

   Love is mystic. I thought.

   I have always been the person who knows what to do with my life. I plan for everything. But at that moment when all I ever wanted is to be with you, I’m very much willing to scratch my plan and plot another one to include you. My dream of becoming a nun? Well, I buried it already. I realized that it was just really a dream. A childhood fantasy. Everything changed since you have me love you.

   Truly, not everyone cherish with you when you’re happy. There will always be someone who resent, who envy and someone who likes to see you broken and lost. And I’m sorry that I had listened to them.

   Since then, I begin to question the actions you showed me. I distance myself from you thinking that it’s a protection I give to my sanity. I was hurt, really hurt. And I’m so sorry that I doubt your feelings and for pleading you guilty for it.

   And even though the thought of not talking to you scares me, I have to do it for myself. I never give you the chance to know what I really feel because I supposed you’re not worth to know the truth. I have seen how you tried to reach and talk to me. I can see from your face the questions “Why?” but I never give answer to your demands. Again, I’m very sorry for not being brave enough to talk to you and listen. I was so afraid you would lie to me and I’m not that strong to face the truth.

   I have seen your struggles. I know I got a special part of you. You can keep on denying it, you can keep hiding from it, but trust me you are only lying to yourself.

   As much as I try to pretend, the truth is, I can’t stop loving you. I don’t know how to stop. And I cried for it so many nights. I cried for too many unanswered “What if’s?”.

   The thought “If only...” have visited my mind a thousand times. It was like a virus that I cannot get rid of. It occupied my mind almost all the time. But I have to stop it! I have to stop thinking about how it was with you because it’s already gone. You have long gone and moved on.

   It’s not fair that you’ve moved on and I have been stuck in the same spot, afraid to move. I know that I should let you go for good. I have to set myself free. So for now, I have to start walking the path without you. I have to fill my life with happiness even if it’s not with you. And even if it kills me, I have to forget you. It’s my only choice.

   I know one day, my future children and I will be reading this letter. And we will be laughing of how I innocently broke my own heart. And they will also ask me those “What if's?” and will thought of “If only...” but it will be answered by their own existence because they will not be with me in that day if it have already been answered by you today.

   Thank you for being one of the greatest things that came into my life.

Rodelyn