So Long My First Love

I seated at the dark far side of the seashore. Glancing at you from time to time then stare  back at the sea when you are about to look at that side. I was studying your movements and measuring how far you've change. Asking myself, why is it from the first time we met I already like you so much that I even let you go. Why after all those years I've spent risking and forgetting don't matter to me now? No answer.

When I look back to where the noises were coming, I see people's smiling faces, celebrating. As usual I found myself a way out of the party. I stayed there for a while examining the waves, then out of the blue used my right foot and wrote the unspoken words of mine.

I watched it slowly swallowed by the water until the sea fully enveloped the phrases in the sand. It was as if the sea was talking to me at that time, saying "It's better to keep the words." And without even shilly-shallying, I agreed to it.

The sea sounds creepy tonight, I thought. Is it really the sea that's spooky or my untold feelings that keep on haunting me? Eager to seek answers for the questions, I stepped on the water and walked to the deepest part until the water felt my knees. The cold wind hugged my frigid body. I listened to the sounds only to found it more eerie. I already forget that feelings a long time ago, right? Still, I heard no answer.

At last my feet find their way back and decided to abandon the thought and questions that were filling my mind for the moment. I tried to disregard the feeling of awkwardness having you in the background and the uneasiness knowing that there were several sets of eyes watching me or you. It's an odd feeling having those people wondering how we really feel for each other and how far we can go avoiding another's gazes and conversation. Maybe its quite entertaining view for them, but not for me who spent almost 5 years of my life feeling restless of the idea that the first man I love just easily go like a dry leaf being blown by the wind.

And despite my effort trying and doing my best to be keep in company and neglect the thought that you're just meters away to talk and get back the old days, there you are, with all smiles came and talked to me the way you always do. The track of questions I was having a while ago in the dark are now playing back. Why? Why? How?

You and me talking. It's funny and yet so familiar, just like the old days we're talking, all eyes in no either's side, avoiding each other's gaze. And it answered all my questions.

The feeling was never been forgotten. It was just right in the corner being abandoned and patiently waiting to be felt again and to prove that truly first love never dies...

When you turn 26 and still Single ...

A date with the Lord on my birthday.
Simple yet the sweetest celebration I ever had.

October 29, 2014 - My 26th turn.

"This is the day that the Lord has made ..." I could happily sing like the way I always do before because today is my birthday (my 26th turn). Convincing myself that turning 26 is just a number to count. But No! It's a year that passed. A year like the other year of the other year. I thought.

This year is different. I supposed I could simply live the year like the way I used to. To just laugh every time friends and family make fun remarks of my "Single status" and go solo shopping without feeling alone. But its not! And so, I take note all the sentiment someone might be feeling when they turn 26 and still single. Sentiments that sometimes make you laugh and sigh.

1. Everyone acts like cupid and wants you to date every single man they know.
2. Birthday greetings sounds like a reminders that you're getting old and that you need to find "The One".
3. Celebration is not a party but more like a sympathy of your unchanged status.
4. Your Not-having-a-relationship-ever-since is the headline during family gatherings and friends bonding.
5. You over-heard the question "How's your love life?" a thousand times.
6. Your boss can't figure out why you're still single and suggested that you should try joining other social groups aside from religious company.
7. Your siblings and friends can't keep from teasing you to your closest guy friend.
8. You realized that you cannot buy couple items because you will spoil the other one.
9. Involvement in Religious group makes your mother scared of the possibility that you'll become a nun.
10. Your family makes fun of your since-forever-being-SOLO.
11. You want to skip February 14 on the calendar but you know you can't. So, you'll make a plan on how to be busy on that day. 
12. Solo shopping makes you realize that you are ALONE. No one to ask to bring those shopping bags but yourself and pretend that you are in an emergency shopping.

Finally, this year I came to a realization. A realization that a 'biological clock' is ticking 'tic-toc-tic-toc'. I am not sure if I should be in a hurry or just remain composed like the other year. But one thing I am sure of, "True-Love-Waits" as the Lord declares (Jeremiah 29:11);

January 5, 2015

Do you know how to look good? Looking good not just requires wearing an attractive dress, putting make up on or sporting high heels. Looking good means to discipline oneself. How can one say she is beautiful when all she does are those bad habits that make herself ugly? How can you find a person is ugly when all the time she does something, she is doing it all with love?

One may say, you look good. And its because you eat good, do good and think good.

January 3, 2015

Nowadays if we encounter any troubles that we feel we cannot stand, our first option is to give up and quit. What we need to know is that life itself has equipped us with many tools to do the fight. We just have to recognize the combat so that when we play the battle we can assure ourselves of the winning title. We must have a strong determination to persevere until the end. Remember that in the race, the winner is not always the strong and the swift. It’s the wise fighter who celebrate the victory most of the time.

January 2, 2015

     I believe that every person is naturally born to be a dreamer. While several are working toward it, there are some who just stayed dreaming.

     Our success or failure is determined by our view of life's circumstances. And this all begins within ourselves. We have everything that it takes to be successful. You just have to believe it!

My Self Medication

         In this generation, people are more materialistic. We always want the best for ourselves - bigger & comfy houses, higher salaries, grander gadgets. We work harder for a cozy life. And this became the source of our problems and stress that sometimes we get lost in the maze of life.

Yes, I also work hard for a good life. But earning high only leaves me wanting more. Then dissatisfaction and frustration follows. I always end up feeling unhappy and hopeless.

The good thing about me is, I know how to treat myself at all time. I have my own medications to unhappiness and hopelessness, and that is compassion. To live with compassion means not only to give material goods but to make a difference in someone's life or simply being able to put a smile on someone's face.

The opportunity to help people in need always excites me. In my everyday life, I trained myself not to just passed-by on a beggar, to give him food is something like a requirement for me. I also make it a practice to smile because that positive aura makes people feel good.

Another drugs to my sadness and distress is the Passionist Youth community. This group also offers the same opportunity, to lend a hand, give love and bring joy. One of its amazing activity is to reach some remote areas and be with the living "Lumads", not only satisfied me with the adventure but also delights my heart with the picture of peoples' smiling faces. Their warm welcome brings joy to my soul. 

These medications, generosity and kindness, are unlimited and the best thing about it, is that it cost me nothing but it multiply and always return to me many times over.

There is nothing more refreshing, more inspiring, more wonderful than experiencing the feeling of making a difference to a life. 

January 1, 2015

     Do you know what your dream is? Yes-Maybe-No! Most of the people can name their dreams immediately even without experience about it. I'm one of them. How can I dream of becoming a nurse when I can't even stand seeing blood and a dying person? How can I even dream of becoming a nun when I'm so afraid of being alone? 
     Today, I just realize what I really want to be. Pursuing a dream is very difficult for me. I know that I will have to work at it. It will require actions and reflections. But in the end, I know it will be worth it.