A Letter to The One I Left Behind

Dearest The One I Left Behind,

     "To walk away" is the only right thing, I thought, I have at that moment.

     You are the one who made me believe in love again after I thought I could never do the same. The one whose never been afraid to mend this broken heart of mine. Someone who showed me that there is a second chance for love. That sometimes its okay to take risk and forget about your fears.

     You made me experience magical thing but just like other spell, it doesn't last long. It was ruined by sorceress bewitchment which uses my fears as its powerful tool to destruction. It slowly vanished like a smoke in the air. I have lost you to forever.

     I walked away. I have never listen to you. I distanced myself to you thinking that its a protection I give to my sanity. I just leave you being puzzled about my quick disappearance. I left you there hanging in the air. And I have hurt you.

     I was hurt too. I was hurt when I heard those unfortunately-false-information but much hurt when I discovered that those were not true. I was hurt because I never appreciated all your effort. I was hurt because I didn't think rationally and just listened to my fears. I was hurt because I have lost you to nothing. I was hurt because you were hurting.

     It wasn't easy for me to let you go thinking that we could be more. Trust me, it never did. I was broken and until now I'm still picking the pieces together, hoping we will mend soon and wishing for the best healing to both of us.

     Leaving you with no words is really hurtful, that's the selfish thing I did to you, thinking its the only way to save myself. I'm sorry that I was not strong enough to fight for you. It's time for me to finally let go. Adiós a ti mi amor!

Dear God

I

I am not perfect but you are my God.

I have put my trust in the wrong one many times.

I have been broken and became idle.

MY HEART

My heart was shattered for countless times.

It was wasted and turns out worthless.

A busted heart, so good-for-nothing.

YOU

You never get tired of picking the pieces together.

You put it back together when no one could.

You rehabilitate it always beautifully than before.

So from now on, it will be Yours.

A Poem for Someone Especial

Moving On So Slow

Years had passed me by.

I'm waiting for you my love,

For you to say goodbye.

Those days that you're gone,
I lived in misery and missed all the fun,
Because my love for you was never been done.

Now that you are here,
Please give me peace my dear,
I don't want to live my life again with tears.

Don't show me your gentle smile.
And this feeling, don't try to define,
Let's just pretend I'm fine.

In my hopeless dream at night,

I'm moving on to not loving you,

Moving on so slow.

And I wake up in the morning,
Still dancing in the rain,
So you can't see my pain.

But if you can't say goodbye,
Just wish me goodnight,
I want my dream alive.

Moving on so slow.
Moving on to not loving you,
I wish this dream come true.

Moving on so slow.
So slow back to loving you.

A man so caring, so gentle and true.

I love him ...

I saw him yesterday.

I wonder if he already knows.

I couldn't look at him in the eyes.

I just pretended he wasn't there.

I stole a glance at him.

He looks really happy now.

He smiled like he's up to something.

His awkward gesture would tell.

He already knows about it.

He acted like it's not a big deal.

I looked at the sky and murmured.

I wish he still has no idea about my secret.

I love him.

Something That Internet Couldn't Explore

Nowadays, were everything is going fast, Internet became our number one exploring buddy. It is our ticket to exploring new places, our counter to order what we need, the place where we met most of our friends, the library that gives us the answer to our assignments. There is nothing that Internet couldn't offer.

Humans are the sole benefactor of the Internet's generosity. And we give back by trusting it with our everything. And because it also has a site were we could unload our feelings, we satisfy ourselves by telling the world how happy we are at the moment, how angry we are to somethings, how hopeless we became when we fail, how we hate a certain person and blah blah blah! The thought that someone we refer to or many people could read the message gives us enough gratification. Gratification to disconnection!

All of a sudden, we became a slave of our own doings. We ignorantly open our heart and mind's portal for the Internet to explore us. So as it goes exploring within us, we slowly became frustrated of the things we thought we have but we don't - friends that we never met, love ones who's not in our side, real socialization and memories of true happiness.

Internet explorer, explores almost everything but there is something that Internet couldn't explore - a heart full of compassion, ready to walk a mile to reach the unreachable, prepared to give shelter to the unwanted and quick to respond to the needy. Having a compassionate heart not just define us but gives us the power to save ourselves to the present slavery of fast-easy-going-Internet-world.

When we let that compassion overpower us, we give ourselves the freedom to explore the real beautiful things in the world that offers true happiness and joy, its within us - kindness and generosity!

Let the adventure begin!

The Passionist Youth (PAYO-South)

January 23, 2016 - Acts of Mercy

Datal B'laan, T'boli, South Cotabato,

PART 1.

Seemingly, a non-ending road to happiness.

Crossing a Bamboo bridge. (photo by Ate Love)

We cross river to Datal B'laan community.

At our back; Sabak(a place which they consider holy)

On the left; our President (Kuya Erns) distributing goods.

On the right; Ate Glaiza preparing the medicines.

The Passionist Youth & our Chaplain, Rev. Fr. Jeffty Mendez, C.P.

with the whole Datal B'laan lumads. (insert Me & Donna)

PART 2.

The Visitation; lumads of Sitio Clod, Tupi, South Cotabato

Our lunch with the B'laan of Sitio Clod. (photo by PAYO Janpol)

Their native foods and utensils. (photo by PAYO Ate Love)

Ate Glaiza serving the water from bamboo water container and glass.

(photo by PAYO Ate Love)

PAYO John enjoying the soup serves in a bowl made of banana leaves.

(photo by Ate Love)

Our compassionate adventure out of kindness and generosity which we will treasure for the rest of our lives.

arrogant person

Sometimes I just let you make fun of me, just to boost up your arrogance a little more.

So Long My First Love

I seated at the dark far side of the seashore. Glancing at you from time to time then stare  back at the sea when you are about to look at that side. I was studying your movements and measuring how far you've change. Asking myself, why is it from the first time we met I already like you so much that I even let you go. Why after all those years I've spent risking and forgetting don't matter to me now? No answer.

When I look back to where the noises were coming, I see people's smiling faces, celebrating. As usual I found myself a way out of the party. I stayed there for a while examining the waves, then out of the blue used my right foot and wrote the unspoken words of mine.

I watched it slowly swallowed by the water until the sea fully enveloped the phrases in the sand. It was as if the sea was talking to me at that time, saying "It's better to keep the words." And without even shilly-shallying, I agreed to it.

The sea sounds creepy tonight, I thought. Is it really the sea that's spooky or my untold feelings that keep on haunting me? Eager to seek answers for the questions, I stepped on the water and walked to the deepest part until the water felt my knees. The cold wind hugged my frigid body. I listened to the sounds only to found it more eerie. I already forget that feelings a long time ago, right? Still, I heard no answer.

At last my feet find their way back and decided to abandon the thought and questions that were filling my mind for the moment. I tried to disregard the feeling of awkwardness having you in the background and the uneasiness knowing that there were several sets of eyes watching me or you. It's an odd feeling having those people wondering how we really feel for each other and how far we can go avoiding another's gazes and conversation. Maybe its quite entertaining view for them, but not for me who spent almost 5 years of my life feeling restless of the idea that the first man I love just easily go like a dry leaf being blown by the wind.

And despite my effort trying and doing my best to be keep in company and neglect the thought that you're just meters away to talk and get back the old days, there you are, with all smiles came and talked to me the way you always do. The track of questions I was having a while ago in the dark are now playing back. Why? Why? How?

You and me talking. It's funny and yet so familiar, just like the old days we're talking, all eyes in no either's side, avoiding each other's gaze. And it answered all my questions.

The feeling was never been forgotten. It was just right in the corner being abandoned and patiently waiting to be felt again and to prove that truly first love never dies...

When you turn 26 and still Single ...

A date with the Lord on my birthday.
Simple yet the sweetest celebration I ever had.

October 29, 2014 - My 26th turn.

"This is the day that the Lord has made ..." I could happily sing like the way I always do before because today is my birthday (my 26th turn). Convincing myself that turning 26 is just a number to count. But No! It's a year that passed. A year like the other year of the other year. I thought.

This year is different. I supposed I could simply live the year like the way I used to. To just laugh every time friends and family make fun remarks of my "Single status" and go solo shopping without feeling alone. But its not! And so, I take note all the sentiment someone might be feeling when they turn 26 and still single. Sentiments that sometimes make you laugh and sigh.

1. Everyone acts like cupid and wants you to date every single man they know.
2. Birthday greetings sounds like a reminders that you're getting old and that you need to find "The One".
3. Celebration is not a party but more like a sympathy of your unchanged status.
4. Your Not-having-a-relationship-ever-since is the headline during family gatherings and friends bonding.
5. You over-heard the question "How's your love life?" a thousand times.
6. Your boss can't figure out why you're still single and suggested that you should try joining other social groups aside from religious company.
7. Your siblings and friends can't keep from teasing you to your closest guy friend.
8. You realized that you cannot buy couple items because you will spoil the other one.
9. Involvement in Religious group makes your mother scared of the possibility that you'll become a nun.
10. Your family makes fun of your since-forever-being-SOLO.
11. You want to skip February 14 on the calendar but you know you can't. So, you'll make a plan on how to be busy on that day. 
12. Solo shopping makes you realize that you are ALONE. No one to ask to bring those shopping bags but yourself and pretend that you are in an emergency shopping.

Finally, this year I came to a realization. A realization that a 'biological clock' is ticking 'tic-toc-tic-toc'. I am not sure if I should be in a hurry or just remain composed like the other year. But one thing I am sure of, "True-Love-Waits" as the Lord declares (Jeremiah 29:11);

January 5, 2015

Do you know how to look good? Looking good not just requires wearing an attractive dress, putting make up on or sporting high heels. Looking good means to discipline oneself. How can one say she is beautiful when all she does are those bad habits that make herself ugly? How can you find a person is ugly when all the time she does something, she is doing it all with love?

One may say, you look good. And its because you eat good, do good and think good.

January 3, 2015

Nowadays if we encounter any troubles that we feel we cannot stand, our first option is to give up and quit. What we need to know is that life itself has equipped us with many tools to do the fight. We just have to recognize the combat so that when we play the battle we can assure ourselves of the winning title. We must have a strong determination to persevere until the end. Remember that in the race, the winner is not always the strong and the swift. It’s the wise fighter who celebrate the victory most of the time.

January 2, 2015

     I believe that every person is naturally born to be a dreamer. While several are working toward it, there are some who just stayed dreaming.

     Our success or failure is determined by our view of life's circumstances. And this all begins within ourselves. We have everything that it takes to be successful. You just have to believe it!

My Self Medication

         In this generation, people are more materialistic. We always want the best for ourselves - bigger & comfy houses, higher salaries, grander gadgets. We work harder for a cozy life. And this became the source of our problems and stress that sometimes we get lost in the maze of life.

Yes, I also work hard for a good life. But earning high only leaves me wanting more. Then dissatisfaction and frustration follows. I always end up feeling unhappy and hopeless.

The good thing about me is, I know how to treat myself at all time. I have my own medications to unhappiness and hopelessness, and that is compassion. To live with compassion means not only to give material goods but to make a difference in someone's life or simply being able to put a smile on someone's face.

The opportunity to help people in need always excites me. In my everyday life, I trained myself not to just passed-by on a beggar, to give him food is something like a requirement for me. I also make it a practice to smile because that positive aura makes people feel good.

Another drugs to my sadness and distress is the Passionist Youth community. This group also offers the same opportunity, to lend a hand, give love and bring joy. One of its amazing activity is to reach some remote areas and be with the living "Lumads", not only satisfied me with the adventure but also delights my heart with the picture of peoples' smiling faces. Their warm welcome brings joy to my soul. 

These medications, generosity and kindness, are unlimited and the best thing about it, is that it cost me nothing but it multiply and always return to me many times over.

There is nothing more refreshing, more inspiring, more wonderful than experiencing the feeling of making a difference to a life. 

January 1, 2015

     Do you know what your dream is? Yes-Maybe-No! Most of the people can name their dreams immediately even without experience about it. I'm one of them. How can I dream of becoming a nurse when I can't even stand seeing blood and a dying person? How can I even dream of becoming a nun when I'm so afraid of being alone? 
     Today, I just realize what I really want to be. Pursuing a dream is very difficult for me. I know that I will have to work at it. It will require actions and reflections. But in the end, I know it will be worth it.

A Letter to Someone I Cannot Have Forever

Dearest Someone I Cannot Have Forever,

   I am writing this letter not because I want you to know everything you might not know. But I’m writing this for my unborn children.

   Our first met was never been special. There were no butterflies, no bell ringing and no heart icons that goes back-and-forth in my eyes. I can’t also remember having my heart sounds like “lub-dub-lub-dub” maybe because I am not a “Love-at-first-sight” believer. It was truly an ordinary boy-meet-girl setting.

   After five days, it was the last day of training that we have had our first talk. I was asking you about your relationship with the family I have known who happen to have the same last name as yours. You asked for my number but I refused to give and instead I asked yours. Asking me why, I simply said “I don’t like new numbers appearing in my inbox and I don’t like texting with strangers”.

   So I let you write your number and email address in my notebook (which I’m still keeping today) and after that I quoted “pangita pud nimu ug handwriting uy” (your handwriting is too bad). Everyone laughed at my remarks and until then you are always conscious about your penmanship. I have seen how uneasy you are when writing especially if I’m watching.

   I’m too oblivious at that moment of my life, not minding other people. I’m too busy controlling things that I don’t want to happen and “falling-in-love” is one of them. I’m keeping those that always make me a better person and those that help me grow. Making a balance of everything at all time.

   Months had passed and there you are, standing in front of me. I had been debating to say “hi” or not mind because at that moment while I’m sitting in the couch I realize that I’m liking you. There’s something in you that draws me, something that wants me to dig and know you better.

   And I say my first “hi” and you replied with meek smile. That was really stroppy moment. But you have caught my attention. You’re so lucky, aren’t you?

   After that, you became my regular chatter. Your name had never missed my inbox until then. From “Good morning” till “Good night”. Maybe you don’t know this, you are the first man I have spent my time just texting, I went out with and the first man I brought to my family. Happiness fills my life when I’m with you. It was magic, indeed!

   Love is mystic. I thought.

   I have always been the person who knows what to do with my life. I plan for everything. But at that moment when all I ever wanted is to be with you, I’m very much willing to scratch my plan and plot another one to include you. My dream of becoming a nun? Well, I buried it already. I realized that it was just really a dream. A childhood fantasy. Everything changed since you have me love you.

   Truly, not everyone cherish with you when you’re happy. There will always be someone who resent, who envy and someone who likes to see you broken and lost. And I’m sorry that I had listened to them.

   Since then, I begin to question the actions you showed me. I distance myself from you thinking that it’s a protection I give to my sanity. I was hurt, really hurt. And I’m so sorry that I doubt your feelings and for pleading you guilty for it.

   And even though the thought of not talking to you scares me, I have to do it for myself. I never give you the chance to know what I really feel because I supposed you’re not worth to know the truth. I have seen how you tried to reach and talk to me. I can see from your face the questions “Why?” but I never give answer to your demands. Again, I’m very sorry for not being brave enough to talk to you and listen. I was so afraid you would lie to me and I’m not that strong to face the truth.

   I have seen your struggles. I know I got a special part of you. You can keep on denying it, you can keep hiding from it, but trust me you are only lying to yourself.

   As much as I try to pretend, the truth is, I can’t stop loving you. I don’t know how to stop. And I cried for it so many nights. I cried for too many unanswered “What if’s?”.

   The thought “If only...” have visited my mind a thousand times. It was like a virus that I cannot get rid of. It occupied my mind almost all the time. But I have to stop it! I have to stop thinking about how it was with you because it’s already gone. You have long gone and moved on.

   It’s not fair that you’ve moved on and I have been stuck in the same spot, afraid to move. I know that I should let you go for good. I have to set myself free. So for now, I have to start walking the path without you. I have to fill my life with happiness even if it’s not with you. And even if it kills me, I have to forget you. It’s my only choice.

   I know one day, my future children and I will be reading this letter. And we will be laughing of how I innocently broke my own heart. And they will also ask me those “What if's?” and will thought of “If only...” but it will be answered by their own existence because they will not be with me in that day if it have already been answered by you today.

   Thank you for being one of the greatest things that came into my life.

Rodelyn

Waiting for the tide of a Waveless Sea

Today, I am waiting for the tide of a waveless sea. This boundless ocean displayed undisturbed beauty of the earth. Its deafening sounds of silence awaken the coldness of my heart. A heart that was left freezing by furious waves of emotions a year ago.

My life is a waveless sea. Atleast that was until I met you.

Wearing my contagious smile and sporting confidence as I entered the four cornered conference room. It was like an ordinary day to me. Another conventional day that  I will surely passed. Not knowing that inside was you, who will cause my life's violent waves. You are like underwater earthquake that cause tsunamis. A 6.75 magnitude earthquake. I should have known that, but I ignored it because maybe I was used to believing that I've always in control of my own feelings.

April 2013. It started with a simple "hi" and then, there it was a series of huge waves, a waves of multifold feelings. A wave of happiness each time we spent together. A wave of excitement when I see your smile. A wave of longing every time we bid goodnight. And a wave of fear for all those time you're not in my side.

I was drawn with all that emotions. And the last thing I knew, all those waves became vicious and horrible. Feeling alone in the middle of those uncontrollable waves. Tears begin to downpour like heavy rain. I cried for the memories we've shared together and for the short-lived happiness you've brought me. For the untitled relationship we have had, I cried because I can't even find any reason to cry. I cried because I shouldn't be crying.

I was left frozen and breathless. My heart had been paralyzed. Maybe because you were the first man who've touched the motionless surface of my heart or maybe because I have been keeping all those emotions bottled up inside for too long that it all came out raging and unstoppable.

Now, I am here touching and feeling the calmness of the sea. Missing. Hoping. Waiting. Missing those waves you've unintentionally created. Hoping to be mend soon. And waiting for another waves that will touch the seashore of my solitary heart.